Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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