I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
