mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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