Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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