I wish I could punch you in the face.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You are the jesus of drinking
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
