It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Randomize
