Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
