i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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