the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
