i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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