This is not my ceiling
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
