I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
