I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
MIDGETS
????
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
