If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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