these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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