I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
