theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
