he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
