I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
