so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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