Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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