Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
