i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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