I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
