Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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