The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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