why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
