sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You took a bar mat shot.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
