ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
