last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
