Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
i believe in u and ur pee
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