Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
