bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
PANTIES FOUND
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