my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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