apparently the secret to your success is patron
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
