Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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