i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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