i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
