In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
