My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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