You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
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He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
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No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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