i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize