im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i think i have two assholes
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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