Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
