I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
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So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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