last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
