Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
