areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep