low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants