I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
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I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
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You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives