Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
