The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
