DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
