My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
