I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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