he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
