My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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