My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
