I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
