i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call