Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
